Married Scapegoats

A TWO DAY CERTIFICATION COURSE IN QUANTUM HYPNOTHERAPY
For Hypnotherapists, Mind-body Healers & Individuals for self help

A new dimension in Clinical Hypnosis. An Insight into the mind. Its
perception of emotions - permitting the experience of a problem. Pain is
experienced/ perceived as nothing but a vibrational energy and the
intelligence of the subconscious mind may heal it naturally. Where it
becomes important to experience the mind-body existence beyond physical
and mental levels. Thus to accomplish a deep level of trance where the
physical and mental states are experienced at the vibratory or quantum
level.
The Course Contents
Basic concepts of traditional hypnotherapy in addition to highly
developed techniques of Quantum Physics

Methods taught in the class

* Quantum and Space. Time nature of Body Mind * Guided Quantum
Hypnosis sessions with the group * Basic tools in Quantum
Hypnotherapy * Clinical Applications in stress related symptoms
(Pains/ Fear/ Phobia/ Psychosomatic Disorders/ Allergies and Other
Dysfunctions) * How to give a complete therapy in one session

Some expected results

* Peace of mind and natural physical health * Experience of a
24-hour meditative mind and awareness so as not to accumulate stress in
every day life routine * Clearly witnessing the process of emotional
suffering * A natural control over thoughts and to experience the
illusory nature of Time * Better and healthy dreams, fearlessness
and sound sleep; * Better pain management

Comments and evaluation from the participants from a recent workshop on
QH in Virginia Beach - November 2006.

* "Nice overview of the power of our thoughts and the influence of
stressors. Thank you for your wonderful teaching stories which help
integrate the material" Deborah L., Fayetteville, NC * "Class
was very enjoyable, packed with large concepts in simple statements but
powerful statements, brought to life with stories and parables topped by
our own actual experiences. Thanks you very much" -Jeycea T., Virginia
Beach, VA * "I found you to be a brilliant speaker. I gained a lot
of insight into my own concepts. Your wisdom will be very beneficial in
my hypnotherapy practice. Thank you and I hope our paths cross again" -
Bernice B., Virginia Beach, VA * "This has been one of the most
enlightening class I've ever taken. I feel at home in the quantum field
and I also feel my practice shall be enriched and my clients will
benefit greatly" - Judy H., Norfolk, VA * "I enjoyed. A fun, eye
opening experience" - William T., Virginia Beach, VA

Course Teacher: Dr. Ashok Jain Clinical Hypnotherapist from USA

Website: www.quantumhypnothe rapy.com

An Adjunct faculty member at the American Holistic University (AHU),
VA.and American Board of Hypnotherapy (ABH) Conducted over 300 workshops
worldwide and served as an active member in many Global professional
organizations and associations related with new age mind-body subjects
(APRT) (NGH), (IMDHA), (ACHE), (AIH), (ABH), (NATH)

This time in 2 cities for 2 days each. Both 9.00 am – 5.00 pm Four
tea breaks of ten minutes each and a half hour lunchtime break.
Vegetarian lunch will be served along with tea and biscuits on both days

Course Fee Rupees 5000.

ENROLL RIGHT NOW WITH
Pratibha Samuel - Call on 9833160330 or Email: pratibha_samuel@ yahoo.com
For Mumbai 6th & 7th Jan 2007. Venue: Mayfair Celebrations, 254 C, Dr
Annie Besant Road, Opposite Sasmira Institute Worli, Mumbai 400 030.
Radhika Singh - Call on 9811157255 or Email: radhikasingh71@ hotmail.com

For Delhi 11th & 12th Jan 2007.

Venue: Anand Niketan Club, Anand Niketan. New Delhi 110021

You shall be expected to send the entire fee amount as and when you
register with the above persons. A confirmation of your seat for the
course will be completed on receipt of your full payment via cash or
clearance of cheque with the bank.

For Mumbai You can send your payment via cash or via cheque in the name of
Pratibha Samuel to B 16, Munjal Nagar Amar Mahal Chembur Mumbai 400089
For Delhi You can send your payment via cash or via cheque in the name of
HEALING ENERGIES at D-135 Second FloorAnand Niketan New Delhi 110021.

Thank you for reading this mail. We hope to see you in our class.

Avoid these Communication Mistakes.... ......... ........

Paul Arden, former executive creative director, Saatchi & Saatchi, has a
mantra, 'It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be.'
Arden has clearly stated what ought to be any professional' s mantra.
We all have talents and strengths. We also have areas of weaknesses, and
one such area is poor inter-personal communication skills. This can be
detrimental to your career since these skills are important in any area
of life, but more so in the professional arena. They go a long way in
boosting job satisfaction, growth, promotion, network building,
relationship management, etc. It is, therefore, important to hone these
skills.

Here are some common communication problems and suggestions on how you
can tackle them.

Talking too fast: Problem: If people normally look a little lost or
confused when conversing with you, it would be a good idea to evaluate
the speed at which you speak. Saumil Doshi, 26, a consulting financial
analyst, speaks so fast that most of his clients lose out on
approximately 70 per cent of his conversation. Unfortunately, not many
people are able to trust fast talkers, especially fast talking financial
analysts.

Solution: Saumil recorded his speech on a dictaphone and listened to
himself in an effort to improve the way he spoke. He also used tongue
twisters to help clarify as well as slow down his speech. These
included:

~ The three things that those three thought are thoroughly trashy.

~ She sells seashells on the seashore.

~ We wash white vests very well and vouch for well-washed vests.

Talking too much:

Problem: Manish Parikh, 32, a store manager at Avanee Boutique, Mumbai,
is well read. He loves sharing his knowledge with everyone, including
his customers. Initially, they were impressed but, as time went by,
they got bored. Slowly, customers started avoiding him. His boss, the
storeowner, asked him to focus on running the store and not chatting up
customers to show off his knowledge.

Solution: Remember, nobody wants irrelevant information. At work, ask
yourself if what you are going to say will make sense or add any value
to what is being discussed. Then, and only then, go ahead and say it.
This one requires practice and discipline, as we all want to share our
knowledge and, of course, show off a bit at times.

Talking to boss/ client:

Problem: You are standing in front of your chairman at your company's
annual bash. When you are introduced to him, all you do is blurt out a
"How are you?" You have lost your chance to interact with him, and he
has moved ahead to greet other people. Do you tongue-tied when it comes
to speaking with/ before your seniors/ important clients? Solution:
Use a three-pronged approach to tackle this particular block:

~ If the situation permits, decide what you want to say in advance and
practise it a couple of times in front of the mirror. There are times
this may not be possible; you could then mentally imagine scenarios
where you are communicating successfully with your seniors.

~ Before going for the meeting, ensure all the supporting documents and
necessary stationery are with you.

~ Cultivate your confidence by knowing your self-worth (please don't go
to the other end of the spectrum and develop an ego). Build a rapport
with those people who share time or space with you. Get rid of your
shyness step-by-step and, before you know it, a throat block is history.

Negative body language:

Problem: Fidgeting, shuffling from one foot to the other, cracking your
knuckles, fiddling with accessories, scratching your head -- all these
take away from the impact of what you are saying.

Mamta Parikh, 28, PA to the technical director of KC and Sons (a
marketing company), had the habit of snapping her hairclip open and
closed. She never realised how distracting it was during meetings. One
day, her boss pointed this out and she made a conscious habit to stop.

Solution: Be aware of your body movements and language. The minute you
start fidgeting, make yourself stop. Curb irritating habits like tapping
feet, rocking squeaky chairs, humming, whistling and jostling. Again,
getting rid of these habits will take you time.

Mind your manners: Problem: Param L*, 22, a part-time sales person
with a leading bookstore, disliked the way his colleague would interrupt
him when he was helping a customer. Param finally spoke to his colleague
about his habit. Lucky for him, the latter changed his style of working.

Solution: It pays to be polite and aware of your bad habits. 'Please'
and 'Thank you' go a long way in building good relationships. Little
things like asking for permission before borrowing stationery and
helping a newly recruited colleague, etc, go a long way in cultivating
relationships.

So, what's stopping you from scaling that ladder? Go ahead, climb up to
dizzy heights and reach your own cloud nine.
We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make
mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while
in a rage will haunt us forever. Pause and ponder. Think before you
act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all. If you
judge people, you have no time to love them". -- Mother Teresa
Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart
because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a
diamond while you were too busy collecting stones." Remember this
always in life.

HELPING A CHILD COPE WITH DIVORCE

No step-by-step manual can give you a guarantee on how to raise kids
blissfully through divorce. Every situation - and every family - is
different. There are, however, some commonsense guidelines that may make
adjustment a little bit easier.

Here are some suggestions to make the process less painful for your
child. Parents will need to interpret them in their own ways; honesty,
sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help to begin the
healing process. Be patient. Not everyone's timetable is your own.

Encourage your child to talk as openly as possible about his or her
feelings - positive or negative - about what has happened. Make that an
ongoing process.

It's important for divorcing - and already divorced - parents to sit
down with their children and encourage them to say what they're thinking
and feeling. But you'll need to keep this separate from your own
feelings. Most often, children experience a sense of loss of family and
may blame you or the other parent - or both - for what they perceive as
a betrayal. So, you'll really need to be prepared to answer questions
your child may raise or to address concerns he or she may have.

Make talking with your child about the divorce and how it's affecting
him or her an ongoing process. As children get older and become more
mature, they may have different questions or concerns that they hadn't
thought about previously. Even if it seems like you've gone over the
same topics before, keep the dialogue open.

If you feel like you get too upset to be of real help to your children,
ask someone else (a relative, maybe) if he or she can talk to your child
about it. Group programs for children of divorce, often run through
schools or faith-based organizations, are an excellent resource for
children going through this process.

It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They
may feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the problem. This is
particularly true if they heard their parents argue about them at one
time. Kids may feel angry or frightened. They may be worried that they
will be abandoned by or "divorced from" their parents.

Some children will be able to voice their feelings, but depending on
their age and development, others just won't have the words. They may
instead "act out" in angry ways or be depressed. For school-age kids,
this is usually evident when their grades start to drop or when they
begin to develop a lack of interest in activities. For younger children,
feelings often are expressed in play, as well.

Many kids see a drop in grades and reduced participation in outside
activities in the months prior to and the year after a separation.
Although children may struggle with a divorce for quite some time, the
real impact of divorce is usually felt over about a 2-year period.

It may be tempting to tell a child not to feel a certain way, but avoid
that temptation. Children (and adults, for that matter) have a right to
their feelings. If it seems that you're trying to force a "happy face,"
your child may be less likely to share his or her feelings with you.

Don't bad-mouth your ex-spouse in front of your child, even if you're
still angry or feuding.

This is one of the hardest things to do. But it's important not to say
bad things about your ex. It's equally important to acknowledge real
events. If, for example, one spouse has simply abandoned the family by
moving out, you need to acknowledge that that has happened. It isn't
your responsibility to explain the ex-spouse's behavior - let him or her
do that when he or she is with your child.

Try not to use your child as a messenger or go-between, especially when
you're feuding.

A child doesn't need to feel that he or she must act as a messenger
between hostile parents or carry one adult's secrets or accusations
about another. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other
parent about matters relevant to your child, such as scheduling,
visitation, health habits, or school problems.

Expect resistance and difficulties in helping your child adjust to a new
mate or the mate's children.

New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most
difficult aspects of the divorce process. Of course, a new, blended
family doesn't eliminate the impact of divorce. The research is quite
clear that children in these new families continue to experience
problems similar to those who remain with a single parent. So, it's
important to assure children that they still have a mother and father
who care for them.

Also, help your child to blend into a new family structure. The initial
role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult, whom your child
needs to respect as a responsible adult. You can't expect your child to
accept a stepparent as another parent right away, though - that will
take time.

Seek support groups, friendships, and counseling. Single parents need
all the help they can get.

Support from clergy, friends, relatives, and groups such as Parents
Without Partners can help you and your child adjust to separation and
divorce. It often helps kids to meet others who've developed successful
relationships with separated parents - children can often help and
confide in each other, and adults need special support through these
trying times.

Whenever possible, kids should be encouraged to have as positive an
outlook on both parents as they can. Even under the best of
circumstances, separation and divorce can be painful and disappointing
for many children. And, of course, it's emotionally difficult for the
parents, too. So it's understandable that, despite their best
intentions, some parents might broadcast their pain and anger.

But parents who can foster a positive adjustment and good times, even
during difficult circumstances, will go a long way toward helping their
kids - and themselves - adapt and move on.

Divorce is stressful for parents and children alike. Although children's
emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of the
divorce, many children experience feelings of sadness, anger, and
anxiety - and it's not uncommon for these feelings to be expressed in
their behavior. Often, the child's emotional reaction can be quite
different than the parent's, and it's important to understand these
differences. For example, a parent may feel a sense of relief that a
difficult period is coming to some resolution, whereas the child may
feel a sense of loss.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child during a
divorce. By minimizing the stress the situation creates and responding
openly and honestly to your child's concerns, you can help your child
through this difficult time.

TELLING YOUR CHILD ABOUT DIVORCE

As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your child about your
decision to divorce. Although there's no easy way to break the news,
both parents should be present when a child is told, and feelings of
anger, guilt, or blame should be left out of the conversation. At best,
this is a difficult message to communicate, but if you handle it
sensitively, you can help make it less painful for your child.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to your child's
age and development, all children should receive the same basic message:
"Mommy and Daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we're
not happy and have decided we'd be happier apart. What happened occurred
between us, but we will always be your parents and we will always be
there to love and take care of you."

It's important to emphasize that your child is in no way to blame for
the breakup and that the unhappiness is not related to him or her.
Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents'
marriages, and they need to be reminded frequently that it is not their
fault. Finally, your child may question whether your love for him or her
is temporary (because it was with your spouse); reassure your child that
even though you're getting a divorce, you love him or her permanently
and unconditionally.

When it comes to answering questions about your divorce, it's important
to give kids enough information so that they're prepared for the
upcoming changes in their lives but not so much that it frightens them.
Try to keep your feelings neutral and answer your child's questions in
an age-appropriate way and as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids
don't need to know all the details; they just need to know enough to
understand clearly that although divorce means separating from a spouse,
it doesn't mean parents are divorcing their kids.

Not all children react the same way when told their parents are
divorcing. Some ask questions, some cry, and some have no initial
response at all. For kids who seem upset when you break the news, it's
important for parents to let them know that they recognize and care
about their feelings and to reassure them that it's OK to cry.

For example, you might say, "I know this is upsetting for you, and I can
understand why," or "We both love you and are so sorry that our problems
are causing you to feel this way." If your child doesn't have an
emotional reaction right away, let him or her know that there will be
other times to talk.

MOST CHILDREN ARE CONCERNED WITH HOW THE DIVORCE WILL AFFECT THEM:

Who will I live with?

Will I move?

Where will Mommy live or where will Daddy live?

Will I go to a new school?

Will I still get to see my friends?

Can I still go to camp this summer?

Be honest when addressing your child's concerns and remind him or her
that the family will get through this, even though it may take some
time.

REDUCING YOUR CHILD'S STRESS

Divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss.
Kids - and parents - grieve the loss of the kind of family they had
hoped for, and children especially grieve the loss of the presence of a
parent. That's why some kids - even after the finality of divorce has
been explained to them - still hold out hope that their parents will
someday get back together. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but
over time both you and your child will come to some sort of acceptance
of the changed circumstances.

So, how can you decrease the stress your child feels over the changes
brought on by divorce? Mainly by learning to respond to his or her
expressions of emotion. Here are some ways divorcing parents can help
their children:

Invite conversation. Children need to know that their feelings are
important to their parents and that they'll be taken seriously.

Help them put their feelings into words. Children's behavior can often
clue you in to their feelings of sadness or anger. Let them voice their
emotions and help them to label them, without trying to change their
emotions or explain them away. You might say: "It seems as if you're
feeling sad right now. Do you know what's making you feel so sad?" Be a
good listener when they respond, even if it's hard for you to hear.

Legitimize their feelings. Saying things like, "No wonder you feel sad"
or "I know it feels like the hurt may never go away, but it will" lets
kids know that their feelings are valid. It's important to encourage
children to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it
better.

Offer support. Ask, "What do you think will help you feel better?" They
might not be able to name something, but you can suggest a few ideas -
maybe just to sit together for a while, take a walk, or hold a favorite
stuffed animal. Younger kids might especially appreciate an offer to
call Daddy on the phone or to make a picture to give to Mommy when she
comes at the end of the day.

Expect that your child's adjustment could take a while. Some emotional
and behavioral reactions to the stress of divorce last for months or
even a year. Some may be much more temporary, lasting only until the
situation stabilizes and a child's routine can be re-established.

It's also important to remember that these responses do not necessarily
indicate permanent problems. Much of the time, kids' emotional concerns
following divorce are temporary if handled with sensitivity. But
sometimes, children have a longer response. Being attentive to the signs
your child sends about his or her feelings can help you to help your
child cope with them.

REACTIONS TO STRESS

Below are some signals that represent a child's reaction to stress at
various ages:

BABIES AND TODDLERS

Children this age require consistency and routine and are comforted by
familiarity. They may be distressed by unpredictable schedules, too many
transitions, or abrupt separations.

Signals that an infant is feeling distressed include increased amounts
of fussiness or crying and changes in eating or sleeping habits. Babies
and toddlers are also sensitive to separations. They may show signs of
separation anxiety through withdrawn, distressed, or clingy behavior.

PRESCHOOLERS AND KINDERGARTNERS

Kids this age need consistent caregiving. But as children develop
long-term memory and language skills, they become more self-reliant.

Signals that a child in this age group is under stress include continued
worries about separation and regression to earlier behaviors, such as
thumb sucking, bedwetting, and problems sleeping through the night.

Fussiness and anger at you or your spouse may also occur. A child may
cry frequently, engage in power struggles, regress to "baby" behaviors,
and have tantrums.

SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

Between 6 and 8 years, children need individual time with each parent to
continue being reassured that they're loved. Fairness becomes an
important issue; your child may want to be sure both you and your spouse
get the same amount of time with him or her. Children this age are also
interested in issues such as who is to blame or who is at fault.

If your child expresses hope of reuniting your family, make sure he or
she spends time with both of you separately to help cement the reality
of the situation. Children do, however, maintain this hope of
reunification for years. Although parents need to acknowledge their
kids' hopes and how they're feeling, they also need to remind them of
the reality of the situation.

Your child's feelings of unhappiness may be expressed as sadness, anger,
or aggression. He or she may have problems with friendships or in
school. Or, stress may take the form of physical problems, such as upset
stomachs or headaches.

PRETEENS

Between 9 and 12, children become more involved with activities apart
from their parents. When divorced parents reside close to one another,
equal time-sharing may work, but preteens may need different schedules
to accommodate their changing priorities. School, community interests,
and friendships become more important for children in this age range,
but the impact of family remains critical.

Your child may refuse to share time with you and your spouse equally and
may try to take sides. Expect this behavior and don't take it personally
when it occurs. Maintain the visitation schedule, and emphasize the
involvement of both parents in your child's life.

Warning signs for this age group include peer difficulties, loneliness,
depression, anger, or physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches
and learning problems.

Role reversals - when kids feel compelled to support or care for an
emotionally distraught parent at their own emotional expense - can also
arise. This is not a healthy situation for the child. Parents who
recognize role reversal in their family need to find ways to get
emotional support for themselves and relieve the burden from their
child.

TEENS
During the early teen years, kids need consistent support from both
parents, but may not accept equal time-sharing of their living
arrangements because it may interrupt their school and social lives. Be
prepared for your child's thoughts on time-sharing.

Kids sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school
year with the noncustodial parent. But this may not reflect that they
want to move. In the early teens, kids do have a good sense of time and
a realization that adult life is approaching. Often, a child will spend
a year with the other parent and then return home. They view this as a
chance to spend a lot of time with the parent they've missed. Listen to
and explore these options if they're brought up.

Whatever arrangements are made, make a schedule and stick to it.
Adolescents may externalize blame for the divorce to one or both parents
and may become controlling by demanding to stay in one place or to
switch residences constantly.

As teens get older, they become more focused on social and school
activities, as well as establishing their independence; so they may
become less interested in their parents' problems. But your teen still
needs your support. Even though parents often get the impression that
their input isn't important to adolescents, it is. Stay involved in your
child's life and interests. Talking frequently with your teen is
helpful.

And although teens may want to see their parents happy, children of any
age may have mixed feelings about seeing their parents dating other
people. They may feel that condoning parental dating would be disloyal
to the other parent, but they may be happy that their parent has found
someone new.

Depression, moodiness, acting out, poor performance in school, use of
alcohol or other drugs, sexual activity, or chronic oppositional
behavior can all signal that a teen is having trouble. Older teens may
have behavior problems, exhibit depression, show poor school
performance, run away from home, or get into trouble with the law.
Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are
serious problems that affect a teen's well-being and indicate the need
for outside help.

FIGHTING IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD

Although the occasional argument between parents is reasonable and even
expected in a healthy family, living in a battleground of continual
hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy psychological burden
on your child. Traumatic events like screaming, fighting, arguing, or
violence can make children fearful and apprehensive. Unable to deal with
these fears, your child may become emotionally upset, controlling, or
withdrawn.

Witnessing your hostility also presents an inappropriate behavioral
model for your child, who's still learning how to deal with his or her
own impulses. Children's long-term adjustment to divorce is highly
related to ongoing hostility between parents. Kids whose parents
maintain anger and hostility are much more likely to have continued
emotional and behavioral difficulties.

Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help divorcing couples
air their grievances and hurt to each other in a way that doesn't cause
harm to the children. Though it may be difficult, working together in
this way will spare your child the harm caused by continued bitterness
and anger.

ADJUSTING TO A NEW LIVING SITUATION

Because divorce can be such a big change in your child's life,
adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually.

There are several types of living situations to consider:

one parent (either you or your spouse) may have custody you may have
joint custody (in which both you and your spouse share in the legal
decisions about your child, but your child lives primarily with one of
you and visits the other) shared joint custody (in which decisions are
shared and so is physical custody) It's becoming increasingly common
for parents who live close by to share custody of their child. There's
no simple solution to this. Although some children can thrive spending
half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of
having one "home" and visiting with the other parent.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your child's needs should always come
first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to win over your
former spouse. When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and
vacations, stay focused on what's best for your child.

AFTER THE DIVORCE

It's important to maintain as much normalcy as possible after a divorce
by keeping regular routines, including meal routines, rules of behavior,
and methods of discipline. Relaxing limits, especially during a time of
change, tends to make children insecure. Resist the urge to drop
routines and spoil a child who's grieving over a divorce. The only way a
child should be spoiled is with unconditional love.

Parents should also work hard to keep their parental roles in place.
Your child, no matter how much he or she tries to understand, is still a
child. If you confide in your child, he or she may have difficulty
relating to the other parent. This means not blaming the other parent or
putting your child in the middle of an adult situation that he or she
doesn't have the maturity to handle.

Consistency in routine and discipline across the households is
important. Similar expectations regarding bedtimes, rules, and homework
will reduce anxiety and give your child the message that you and your
ex-spouse are working together and can't be manipulated.

Don't be ashamed to ask for professional help. Divorce is a major life
crisis for a family. But if you and your former spouse can work
together, you can continue to be good parents to your child.

HERE ARE SOME OTHER RECOMMENDATIONS TO KEEP IN MIND.

Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If
you're able to make a healthy adjustment, your child will be more likely
to do so, too. Also, getting needed emotional support and being able to
air your feelings and thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility
of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns.
This may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist.

Be patient with yourself and with your child. Emotional concerns, loss,
and hurt following divorce take time to heal and often happen in phases.
That's healthy.

Resist the temptation to make up for the child's loss with material
things, food treats, or special privileges. Emotional hurt is best
healed with care and support from loved ones, not things.

Recognize the signals of stress for your child's age. Consult your
child's doctor or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle
specific problems you're concerned about.

Many of the elements that help children thrive and be emotionally
healthy in an intact family are the same ones that help children thrive
and be emotionally healthy members of a divorced family. With good
support, children can and do successfully make the adjustment to
divorce.

SEPERATION ANXIETY

Unfortunately, teary and tantrum-filled goodbyes are a very common part
of a child's earliest years. Around the first birthday, it is common for
kids to develop separation anxiety, getting upset when a parent tries to
leave them with someone else. Though separation anxiety is a perfectly
normal part of childhood development, it can be unsettling.
Understanding what your child is going through and having a few coping
strategies in mind can go a long way toward helping both of you get
through it.

HOW SEPARATION ANXIETY DEVELOPS

The timing of separation anxiety can vary widely from child to child.
Some kids may experience it later. Some may never experience it. And for
others, there are certain life stresses that can trigger feelings of
anxiety about being separated from a parent ( a new child care situation
or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tension at home)

How long does separation anxiety last? It varies from child to child.
And it also depends on the child and how the parent responds. In some
cases, depending on a child's temperament, separation anxiety can be
persistent from infancy and last through the elementary school years. In
cases where the separation anxiety interferes with an older child's
normal activities, it can be the sign of a deeper anxiety disorder. In
cases where the separation anxiety appears out of the blue in an older
child, it can be an indication of another problem that the child may be
dealing with, like bullying or abuse.

Keep in mind that separation anxiety is usually different from the
normal feelings an older child has when he or she doesn't want a parent
to leave. In those cases, the distress can usually be overcome if the
child is distracted enough, and those feelings will not re-emerge until
the parent returns and the child remembers that the parent left.

And your child does understand the effect his or her behavior has on
you. If you come running back into the room every time your child cries
and then stay with your child longer or cancel your plans completely,
your child will continue to use this strategy to avoid separation.

WHAT YOU MAY BE FEELING

During this stage, you're likely to experience a host of different
emotions. It may be gratifying to feel that your child is finally as
attached to you as you are to him or her. At the same time, you're
likely to feel guilty about taking time out for yourself, leaving your
child with a caregiver, or going to work. And you may start to feel
overwhelmed by the amount of attention your child seems to need from
you.

Try to keep in mind that your child's unwillingness to leave you is a
good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of
you. Eventually your child will be able to remember that you always
return after you leave, and these memories will be enough to comfort him
or her while you are gone. This also gives your child a chance to
develop his or her own coping skills and a little independence.

MAKING GOODBYES EASIER

There are a number of strategies you can use to help ease your child
(and yourself) through this difficult period.

Timing is everything. Try not to start day care or child care with an
unfamiliar person between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when
separation anxiety is first likely to present itself. Also, try not to
leave your child when he or she is likely to be tired, hungry, or
restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps
and mealtimes.

Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people
and places gradually. Be calm and consistent. Create a goodbye ritual
during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and
show confidence in your child. Reassure him or her that you'll be back -
and explain how long it will be until you return using concepts your
child will understand (such as after lunch) because your child can't yet
understand time. Give him or her your full attention when you say
goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming back will only
make things worse.

Follow through on promises. It's important to make sure that you return
when you have promised to return. This is critical, and there can be no
exceptions. This is the only way your child will develop the confidence
that he or she can make it through this time.

As hard as it may be to leave your child while he or she is screaming
and crying for you, it's important to have confidence that your ex
spouse can handle it. It may help both of you if you set up a time that
you will call to check in, maybe 15 to 20 minutes after you leave. By
that time, most kids have calmed down are playing with other things.
Don't let yourself give in early and call sooner!

Try to keep sight of the fact that this phase, like many others, will
pass. If your child has never been cared for by anyone but you, is
naturally shy, or has other stresses, such as a new sibling or a health
condition, then it may be worse than it is for other kids. Most kids
eventually outgrow it.

Kids with separation anxiety disorder fear being lost from their family
members and are often convinced that something bad will happen when
they're apart.

If intense separation anxiety lasts into preschool, elementary school,
or beyond and interferes with your daily activities, it's a good idea to
discuss this with your child's doctor. It may be a sign of a more rare
but more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder.

panic symptoms (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of breath) or
panic attacks before a parent leaves

nightmares about separation

fear of sleeping alone

excessive worry about being lost or kidnapped or going places without a
parent

For most kids, the anxiety of being separated from a parent passes
without any need for medical attention. But if you have concerns, talk
to your child's doctor.

Sooner or later, many families face the prospect of moving. Disruptive
as moving can be for parents, the experience can be even more traumatic
for children, who may not be a part of the decision to move and may not
understand it.

Your child may need some time and special attention during the
transition. There are some steps you can take to make the entire process
less stressful for your entire family.

MAKING THE DECISION TO MOVE

Many kids thrive on familiarity and routine. So as you consider a move,
weigh the possible benefits of such a change against your child's need
for surroundings, a school, and social life to which he or she is
accustomed.

If your family has recently dealt with a major life change, such as
divorce you may want to postpone a move if possible, to give your child
a chance to adjust.

The decision to move may be out of your hands, due to a job transfer or
financial issues. Even if you're not happy about the move, try to
maintain a positive attitude about it with your child. During times of
transition, a parent's moods and attitudes can heavily affect the kids,
who may be looking for reassurance.

DISCUSSING THE MOVE WITH YOUR CHILD

No matter what the circumstances, the most important way you can prepare
your child is to talk about it early and often.

It's a good idea to give your child as much information about the move
as soon as possible. Answer your child's questions completely and
truthfully, and be receptive to both positive and negative reactions.
Even if the move means a clear improvement in family life, your child
may not understand that, and he or she may be focused on the frightening
aspects of the change.

Involve your child in the planning process as much as possible. If your
child feels like a participant in the house-hunting process or the
search for a new school, the change may feel less like it is being
forced on him or her.

If you are moving across town, you may want to take your child to visit
the new house (or see it being built) and explore the new neighborhood.
If distance prevents this, provide as much information as you can about
the new home, city, and state (or country).

Learn about where your child can do any favorite activities in the new
location. A relative or friend may be able to take pictures of the new
house and your child's new school. A real estate agent may even be
willing to do this.

MOVING WITH BABIES, TODDLERS, AND PRESCHOOLERS

Children who are under the age of 6 may be the easiest to move, as they
have a limited capacity to understand the change the move will involve.
Still, your guidance is crucial. Here are some steps you can take that
may ease the transition for your child:

Ø Keep explanations clear and simple.

Ø Use a story to explain the move, or use toy trucks and
furniture to act it out.

Ø When you pack your toddler's toys in boxes, make sure to
explain that you aren't throwing them away.

Ø If your new home is nearby and vacant, take your child there
to visit before the move and take a few toys over each time.

Ø Hold off on getting rid of your child's old bedroom furniture,
which may provide a sense of comfort to your child in the new house.

Ø Avoid making other big changes during the move, like toilet
training or advancing a toddler to a bed from a crib.

Ø Arrange for your toddler or preschooler to stay with a
babysitter on moving day.

MOVING WITH SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

A child in elementary school may be relatively open to the change of a
move. But your child will still need serious consideration and your help
throughout the transition.

To avoid any glitches that would add stress to your child, it's a good
idea to gather any information the new school will need to process the
transfer. That may include the most recent report card or transcript,
birth certificate, or medical records.

MOVING WITH TEENS

It is not uncommon for teens to actively rebel against a move. Your teen
has probably invested considerable energy in a particular social group
and may be involved in a romantic relationship. Your family's move may
mean that your teen has to miss a long-awaited event, like a prom.

It is particularly important to let your teen known that you want to
hear about any concerns and that you respect those concerns. Blanket
assurances may seem to your teen like you are dismissing his or her
feelings. It may help to explain to your teen that the move is a type of
rehearsal for future changes, like college or a new job.

You may want to begin planning a trip back to the neighborhood after the
move, if that's possible.

If your teen remains strongly resistant to the move, you might want to
consider letting him or her stay in the old location with a friend or
relative, if you have the option. This may be particularly helpful if
you are moving midway through the school year.

AFTER MOVING DAY

After the move, it's a good idea to get your child's room in order
before turning your attention to the rest of the house. Also, try to
maintain your regular schedule for meals and bedtime to provide a sense
of familiarity for your child.

When your child does start school, you may want to go along to meet as
many teachers as possible or ask to introduce your child to the
principal.

Set realistic expectations about your child's transition. Generally,
teachers expect new kids to feel somewhat comfortable in their classes
in about 6 weeks. Some kids may take less time, whereas some may need
more.

After the move, if you are still concerned about your child's
transition, a family therapist may be able to provide some helpful
guidance.

A move can present many challenges, but many good things can also come
from this kind of change. Your family may grow closer, and you may learn
more about your child by going through this experience together.

DR. PRATIBHA SAMUEL

HYPNOTHERAPIST, COUNSELLOR